Finding My Motivation

After a few weeks of a blogging break, I'm back.

I've been in a funk. Spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Our holidays were good. It was the first Christmas in over 2 years that wasn't surrounded in crisis. We were able to buy some great gifts for our children (even though that is not what Christmas is all about) and we were able to just rest and be together as a family as we remembered Jesus' birth. Thinking about a baby being born to save us from our sins is always so incredibly humbling.

Along with the holidays came some changes in our family. I have begun babysitting in our home. Somedays, I have as many as 8 little ones here, some days I have as few as 4. It's been busy, therefore, I haven't had much time to sit and think and write. I'm constantly on my feet, cleaning up messes, changing diapers, putting little ones down for naps, helping resolve fights, and kissing boo boos. Coffee has become my best friend, for sure.

My book is coming along slowly. I would love to spend more time writing than I do. It's hard to find the time and the energy to write.

So here I am, in a season of busyness- trying to find the motivation to continue losing weight, eating healthy, finding time for God and my husband, managing my house hold, scheduling appointments, and keeping my sanity.

It's hard. Hard to make time for myself, when so many people demand so many things from me. It's especially hard when grief is thrown in on top of it all.

So here I am, taking another first step towards finding myself again.

So tell me, during your seasons of busyness, what do you do to take care of you? What gives you rest and helps keep you sane?

My Dad

It's been a year.

My dad began having back pain around Thanksgiving of last year.

He went to the doctor and they treated him for degenerative discs.

It kept getting worse and worse and worse.

This time last year, we didn't realize that he wouldn't be here with us a year later.

3 months later he was gone.

Lung cancer took his life just one day after he turned 56- tumors riddling his spin, lung, glands, and bones. Lung cancer took my dad from me just 14 months after a Congenital Heart Defect took my son. It came out of nowhere- my dad was never a smoker. By the time we found it, it had taken over his entire body. He didn't even get the chance to fight it.

Grieving my dad has been different than grieving my son. It hasn't been as painful. No pain could ever touch the loss of Joshua. I have a lifetime of memories with my dad- I have 51 days of memories with Joshua. As a daughter, you expect to say goodbye to your parents. You don't expect to say goodbye to your own infant child.

But grieving my dad as still been incredibly difficult. Losing my dad left my mom a widow at 56 years old. It left us dazed and confused, wading the murky waters or life insurance, health insurance, 401k's, and buying and selling a home without his guidance. It left a hole in our family that cannot be filled. It left a hole in my heart, right next to the hole from losing Joshua, grasping for some understanding of how my dad could possibly be gone.

I havent' shared much about losing my dad. I've been sensitive to the fact that I am not the only one grieving his loss. My grandparents, aunt, uncle, brother and mom are all grieving too. In an effort to give them some privacy, I've grieved my dad privately- putting on the brave face for my mom and brother when I need to. It's been difficult to not write about it, but I've somehow managed.

But as Thanksgiving is coming, I'm remembering him. I'm remembering what a wonderful and loving daddy he was to me and my brother. I'm remembering what a great example of a husband he was. I'm remembering his love for his family, his quirky sense of humor, his love for my children, and his acceptance and love for my husband.

This holiday season is going to be difficult for our family as we begin new traditions without him. We will grieve, but we will not grieve like those without hope. Death has lost its grip because of Jesus' sacrifice. We will live forever with Him. I'm so thankful for that truth.