Reconciling the Difference

As I continue to muddle my way through grief and make sense of the life and death of Joshua (no one tells you that grief lasts this long! jeesh!!!), I come back to reconciling the differences between what life would have been like with Joshua and what life is like without Joshua.

It's a difficult concept to think about- the differences of life that "should have been" and life that "is."

I often find myself wishing that Joshua was still here. I wouldn't care if he was still sick, just as long as he was here. But then I find my mind wandering to what life would be like with him here.

Before he was born, we were on the verge of bankruptcy. We were drowning in debt. We depended on me working full time, and with the lack of teaching jobs as well as a critically ill child who couldn't be in childcare, we weren't sure how we were going to make it. If I think realistically about it, we were on the verge of losing everything- our house, our cars, any chance at a decent credit score and financial stability. All of that was going to be gone. We would be living in my parents basement trying to make ends meet.

Joshua would have needed life long care. In his immediate future, he would require a minimum of 2 more open heart surgeries. He could end up in the ER for catching a common cold. He would need frequent cardiology visits. Our lives would revolve around keeping him healthy and trying to figure out a way to pay for it all.

When I think about if he had lived, I often find myself feeling really sad for the life that we would have lived.

However, he didn't live. And here we are, 2 years later. Our family is thriving financially (don't get me wrong- there are some weeks that we have $5 to last us until Friday). My children are able to participate in sports and dance. We have 2 dependable cars. I can stay home with my children. We have a new and healthy baby. We are now living in a new, custom built home. We are living debt free.

Life is going well. We are comfortable. We are moving forward.

But this is where the problem lies. When I think about if Joshua had lived- or more appropriately, when I wish that Joshua had lived, I have a hard time thinking that Lukey would not be here (I needed that baby more than I could ever know!) If Joshua had lived, we wouldn't be in our new home. We wouldn't be in a new city with great school systems, relatively low crime, and nice neighborhoods. We would still be drowning in debt, living in my parents basement. My older children would be living in poverty.

If I'm going to be honest here (please don't judge me), I'm not sure I would go back to it. Don't get me wrong. I wanted my son to live more than anything, and our family was willing to make the sacrifices it needed to make to give Joshua the care that he needed, but....no Lukey, no home, no living life debt free, no deep spiritual growth through the trials.

So this  is where I struggle. God is and was fully capable of giving us all of those wonderful things. Why did it have to be through my son's death? Why did it have to come with such heartache? Why did it have to come at such a cost?

I struggle to reconcile the differences between what should have been and what is. I struggle to understand why it had to happen the way that it did.

 But then, I'm reminded:

I'm reminded that God saved us. God sacrificed HIS SON for our sins. He could have done it differently, but He didn't. Jesus himself knew that God could take the cross from Him, but he trusted in his father's plans for him and for the world.

God's ways don't make sense to me. I don't think they are supposed to. Often times I wonder if they did make sense to me, if I would truly be ok with the reasons- I don't think I would. But God's way is perfect. Even when it causes heartache and pain, God's plan for our life is good.

So, when doubt comes, I just need to continue to remind myself that it doesn't need to be reconciled. Jesus's blood already did that for me. I just need to have faith and trust in a God that is good and fair and just. I need to remember the love of a God who sent his son to die for me.

Transformation of My Heart

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing." Psalm 34: 4-10

It has been a long journey for me. Anxiety, grief, depression, self centered-ness, distrust, anger, resentment, and selfishness have taken root in my heart.

But God has been so incredibly faithful.

I remember the early days after Joshua died, feeling a love for God that I had never felt before. I trusted him and I believed in Him. Somewhere along the way though, I lost sight of that love. It morphed into something ugly and scary- something deep and dark.

I still have bad days. I still have days that I cry. (I've started babysitting a couple children during the day and the little boy is 2 months, to the day, older than Joshua would have been. Talk about a punch to the gut!)

But deep down inside, there is peace. Peace that only comes from the restoration of my soul. I sought the Lord and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. He didn't turn me away, even with all my ugliness. Instead, he chose to receive me with open arms when I came running back to Him. Not only did He allow me to come back to him, but he healed me. What an awesome God we serve.

He is continuously reminding me that I am his daughter- His precious jewel. He treasures me and loves me more than I will ever be able to comprehend. So much so that He sent his son to die for me.

I'm Finally Here!

I've had this blog created and ready to use for quite a while.

My original purpose with this blog was to help with my weightloss.

However, life got in the way, and I ended up not using it like I wanted to.


Over the past few weeks, my life has changed in ways that I never expected. God has been working on me and preparing me for something much bigger than myself.

It's been a long 2+ years since Joshua died. His death rocked me to my core. It shook me up, tore me apart, and stripped me down to nothing.

But here I am. Still standing. Still believing. Still trusting. And still putting one foot in front of the other, trusting in God's sovereignty.

God has healed me from the anxiety. I have handed over my grief. I still experience sadness, but not the overwhelming and paralyzing kind of grief that once held my life in it's grip.

Now that those things are surrendered at the feet of Jesus, I feel Him telling me to pick myself up. Find myself again. Get rid of the physical weight that I am carrying around. Start taking care of myself. Figure out who I am again so I can effectively reach others.

So, here I am. Starting slowly. Finding myself.

Being a stay at home mom, I've really let myself go. In an effort to simply survive, I've found myself in a place of not even owning a single pair of jeans. Over the past 2 years, I have gotten rid of every single piece of nice clothing that I ever owned. I haven't owned a non nursing bra in over 3 years. My make up stash was down to mascara and 2 shades of eyeshadow. My hair dryer was dusty and shoved in the back of the linen closet.

It may not seem like much to some, but I am consciously making an effort to take better care of myself. I'm starting out slowly, but it has been my goal to make sure that every morning, I get up and do my hair and make up. Even if it's just to put on sweats and a sweatshirt and change diapers all day, I need to do something for myself.

Please. Join me in the next chapter of my life. This will be a chapter of saying goodbye to bad habits and saying hello to finding myself. It is a chapter of allowing God to form me and mold me.

He is preparing me. He is telling me to get up and move forward. So I obey.

Obedience has never felt so good in my entire life.