Reconciling the Difference

As I continue to muddle my way through grief and make sense of the life and death of Joshua (no one tells you that grief lasts this long! jeesh!!!), I come back to reconciling the differences between what life would have been like with Joshua and what life is like without Joshua.

It's a difficult concept to think about- the differences of life that "should have been" and life that "is."

I often find myself wishing that Joshua was still here. I wouldn't care if he was still sick, just as long as he was here. But then I find my mind wandering to what life would be like with him here.

Before he was born, we were on the verge of bankruptcy. We were drowning in debt. We depended on me working full time, and with the lack of teaching jobs as well as a critically ill child who couldn't be in childcare, we weren't sure how we were going to make it. If I think realistically about it, we were on the verge of losing everything- our house, our cars, any chance at a decent credit score and financial stability. All of that was going to be gone. We would be living in my parents basement trying to make ends meet.

Joshua would have needed life long care. In his immediate future, he would require a minimum of 2 more open heart surgeries. He could end up in the ER for catching a common cold. He would need frequent cardiology visits. Our lives would revolve around keeping him healthy and trying to figure out a way to pay for it all.

When I think about if he had lived, I often find myself feeling really sad for the life that we would have lived.

However, he didn't live. And here we are, 2 years later. Our family is thriving financially (don't get me wrong- there are some weeks that we have $5 to last us until Friday). My children are able to participate in sports and dance. We have 2 dependable cars. I can stay home with my children. We have a new and healthy baby. We are now living in a new, custom built home. We are living debt free.

Life is going well. We are comfortable. We are moving forward.

But this is where the problem lies. When I think about if Joshua had lived- or more appropriately, when I wish that Joshua had lived, I have a hard time thinking that Lukey would not be here (I needed that baby more than I could ever know!) If Joshua had lived, we wouldn't be in our new home. We wouldn't be in a new city with great school systems, relatively low crime, and nice neighborhoods. We would still be drowning in debt, living in my parents basement. My older children would be living in poverty.

If I'm going to be honest here (please don't judge me), I'm not sure I would go back to it. Don't get me wrong. I wanted my son to live more than anything, and our family was willing to make the sacrifices it needed to make to give Joshua the care that he needed, but....no Lukey, no home, no living life debt free, no deep spiritual growth through the trials.

So this  is where I struggle. God is and was fully capable of giving us all of those wonderful things. Why did it have to be through my son's death? Why did it have to come with such heartache? Why did it have to come at such a cost?

I struggle to reconcile the differences between what should have been and what is. I struggle to understand why it had to happen the way that it did.

 But then, I'm reminded:

I'm reminded that God saved us. God sacrificed HIS SON for our sins. He could have done it differently, but He didn't. Jesus himself knew that God could take the cross from Him, but he trusted in his father's plans for him and for the world.

God's ways don't make sense to me. I don't think they are supposed to. Often times I wonder if they did make sense to me, if I would truly be ok with the reasons- I don't think I would. But God's way is perfect. Even when it causes heartache and pain, God's plan for our life is good.

So, when doubt comes, I just need to continue to remind myself that it doesn't need to be reconciled. Jesus's blood already did that for me. I just need to have faith and trust in a God that is good and fair and just. I need to remember the love of a God who sent his son to die for me.

It Doesn't Matter

(I hesitate to write some of these thoughts out because the last thing I want is controversy, but I feel like part of my healing and being able to move forward has depended on being able to accept some truths about Joshua's death. In an effort to remain open and transparent, I feel like it's important to share how I have reached the peace that I have reached. Please refrain from bashing, discrediting, or attacking anyone regarding what was said about our family when Joshua died.)

If you haven't followed along at The Real Life of a Redhead then you don't know that Joshua's death caused a great deal of controversy among a certain group of activists. They took Joshua's death as an opportunity to further their cause. While not all of them were heartless and awful, a good handful of them took the opportunity to blame his death on us. They spread our story far and wide (40,000 unique hits on my blog every day for almost a month after he died) within hours of his death and they said things like, "They will receive no compassion from me. They were warned and didn't listen. Their sons' death is on their hands." or "They obviously didn't love their son and wanted him dead. This is all their fault."

Their harassment continued for 2 years after he died. When Luke arrived, they speculated about our choices in regards to his care as well as threatened to call CPS on our family due to "possibly harming" our child. (All based on assumptions because I have not once shared our decisions publicly.)

I tried my hardest to ignore their comments, but sometimes the pain was so great that it made it difficult to keep the emotions to myself. There was no reasoning with these people, and their words stung. Their persistent accusations left a small seed of doubt in my heart.

But, after a long conversation with a friend a few months ago, I have come to a conclusion.

I have nothing to prove to anyone about Joshua's death. Why or how he died is not something I care to discuss with anyone besides my husband and a few other close friends. There are no "facts" or "proof" about his death. We have the death certificate that clearly states his cause of death being exactly what I have stated from the very moment that he died. That should be proof enough, but like I said- the seed of doubt was always there- even though I knew it to be false. Joshua's death is just something that happened, whether caused or uncaused. None of us will ever really and truly know the answer. The how and the why really isn't important because my God is a sovereign God who knew the number of days before Joshua ever took his first breath.

Because of this, I trust in God's sovereignty. Joshua's life and death were never a burden that I had to carry. God knew the plans for Joshua's life and He loves my son more than I will ever be able to comprehend. I don't carry guilt, doubt, or anger. It's not mine to carry.

After Joshua died, I posted these verses:

For you formed my inward parts;

                                                                                        you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, 
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;   
 my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,   

 intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,   

 the days that were formed for me,    

when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139: 13-16

I continue to cling to those verses because they are truth. God's sovereignty is true and just. It has brought freedom to my life by recognizing that I had no control over Joshua's life and death.