Wednesday, November 21, 2012

It Doesn't Matter

(I hesitate to write some of these thoughts out because the last thing I want is controversy, but I feel like part of my healing and being able to move forward has depended on being able to accept some truths about Joshua's death. In an effort to remain open and transparent, I feel like it's important to share how I have reached the peace that I have reached. Please refrain from bashing, discrediting, or attacking anyone regarding what was said about our family when Joshua died.)

If you haven't followed along at The Real Life of a Redhead then you don't know that Joshua's death caused a great deal of controversy among a certain group of activists. They took Joshua's death as an opportunity to further their cause. While not all of them were heartless and awful, a good handful of them took the opportunity to blame his death on us. They spread our story far and wide (40,000 unique hits on my blog every day for almost a month after he died) within hours of his death and they said things like, "They will receive no compassion from me. They were warned and didn't listen. Their sons' death is on their hands." or "They obviously didn't love their son and wanted him dead. This is all their fault."

Their harassment continued for 2 years after he died. When Luke arrived, they speculated about our choices in regards to his care as well as threatened to call CPS on our family due to "possibly harming" our child. (All based on assumptions because I have not once shared our decisions publicly.)

I tried my hardest to ignore their comments, but sometimes the pain was so great that it made it difficult to keep the emotions to myself. There was no reasoning with these people, and their words stung. Their persistent accusations left a small seed of doubt in my heart.

But, after a long conversation with a friend a few months ago, I have come to a conclusion.

I have nothing to prove to anyone about Joshua's death. Why or how he died is not something I care to discuss with anyone besides my husband and a few other close friends. There are no "facts" or "proof" about his death. We have the death certificate that clearly states his cause of death being exactly what I have stated from the very moment that he died. That should be proof enough, but like I said- the seed of doubt was always there- even though I knew it to be false. Joshua's death is just something that happened, whether caused or uncaused. None of us will ever really and truly know the answer. The how and the why really isn't important because my God is a sovereign God who knew the number of days before Joshua ever took his first breath.

Because of this, I trust in God's sovereignty. Joshua's life and death were never a burden that I had to carry. God knew the plans for Joshua's life and He loves my son more than I will ever be able to comprehend. I don't carry guilt, doubt, or anger. It's not mine to carry.

After Joshua died, I posted these verses:

For you formed my inward parts;
                                                                                        you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, 
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;   
 my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,   
 intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,   
 the days that were formed for me,    
when as yet there was none of them.
Psalm 139: 13-16

I continue to cling to those verses because they are truth. God's sovereignty is true and just. It has brought freedom to my life by recognizing that I had no control over Joshua's life and death. 


  1. "Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
    in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them."

    Jill~I admire you so much for your strength in posting this...because it is true: you precious sweet boy was born with a CHD and only God knew the number of Joshua's days here on earth in advance...

    I hate that anyone was ever able to put a seed of doubt in your heart or mind, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you loved Joshua with all your heart and would never do anything that would put him in harms in no way did anything that caused or led to his passing.

    And I praise God that He can reach in to that deepest part and pull out that weed that that grew from that seed those false words planted, leaving only a garden of true memories of Joshua.

    I praise God for the beauty that comes with his healing that radiates from you. And I thank him for his constant presence in your life: that he has never left you nor abandoned you even in the most bleak of times when he may have been silent or you may have felt alone...

    You have come through the dark shadow of the Valley of Death, into his radiance on the other side. And you glow. (Edward has nothing on you!!)

    I love you, my friend! xoxo~Mary

  2. I followed your blog from the day before his death, to the day of his death and randomly for the last two years. I admit I was informed about this from one of those sites. I don't believe I ever spewed accusations just prayers that he would be alright and then shock, dismay and sadness for his death and the pain you and your family went through.
    I've followed your recovery and I am glad you have found peace.
    There is no ryhme or reason for some events in our lives but they do change our lives and we can't live in what ifs and may have beens

  3. Continue:...
    Second guessing doesn't help is grow spiritually or emotionally. You are a strong mama.
    Good luck and God bless you on your journey.


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